On March 23rd, 2006 I will be premiering my documentary, No One's Watching: An Alien Abductee's Story at The Pioneer Theater in New York City.  This is the flick that will kick off their Sci-Fi Springtime! program. It will be chased by a book signing and rockin’ afterparty.

What’s this film about? Hmmm. It is with zero hyperbole that I tell you it's hands down the best film about a fat white male spiritually possessed alien abductee who dances like Michael Jackson and travels to a UFO hotspot in search of ET ever made! Yeah!

Needless, or more accurately, needful, to say, I had to sit down with the program director and ask him why-oh-why he decided to show a documentary in a sci-fi festival. Turns out the program director is the theater’s occult expert, Dr. Reinhardt van Nostrand. Needless, or needful, to say, the good doctor is a fake character the theater made up for chumps like me to real-interview. So here, for your amusement, is that interview:

Dr. Reinhardt van Nostrand
Professor Emeritus of Schlechtendingen
University of Wurms, Germany
Special Consultant to the Pioneer Theater on Matters of the Paranormal and the Occult

Jeremy: First off, what is your doctorate in?

Dr. van Nostrand: I have a PhD in Schlechtendingen, which loosely translates from the German as "Bad Things."

Jeremy: How did you first become interested in the occult and the paranormal?

Dr. van Nostrand: I grew up in a small Bavarian village. Outside the village were a number of ruined castles. I spent a lot of time wandering through them, alone, and experiencing things that most people do not believe are possible.

Jeremy: How long ago was that?

Dr. van Nostrand: Somewhere between 50 and 75 years ago.

Jeremy: Was it anything like the movie Hostel? Did you see that? Lot's of whores and death. They hate stupid American men. I mean it didn't take place in Bavaria, but still.

Dr. van Nostrand: No.

Jeremy: Do you now find yourself more accepting or more skeptical of paranormal claims than when you first developed an interest?

Dr. van Nostrand: More skeptical. But that is because I have had so many paranormal experiences myself, I am very suspicious of frauds.

Jeremy: I find it fascinating that a movie theater has an occult expert on its payroll. Is it normal for a movie theater to have an occult expert? How did this marriage between you and the Pioneer Theater come about?  Did they place an ad or something?

Dr. van Nostrand: Lots of movie theaters and other cultural institutions have consultants for the paranormal and the occult. You will recall, of course, that during Reagan's administration, the White House worked very closely with some talented astrologists. And it is no secret that the large motion picture lobbies collaborate with Christian and religious groups. My relationship with the Pioneer is unusual because it is more or less out in the open. They knew that the paranormal and the occult was an important area for them to consider, and they thought they should be out in the open about it so that they can just slice through the mischief and get down to work on the very important issues encompassed by the paranormal and the occult.

Jeremy: Do you consult with other businesses? If so, anything you can talk about?

Dr. van Nostrand: I am not at liberty to discuss my work with other clients.

Jeremy: Is the Pioneer's Sci Fi Springtime program new?

Dr. van Nostrand: Yes.

Jeremy: Is it an annual affair?

Dr. van Nostrand: 2006 is the first year. The Pioneer and I intend to make it an annual affair.

Jeremy: Why the decision to include UFO/alien abduction flicks that purport to be factual in the program?

Dr. van Nostrand: Really, this is a public service. We feel an obligation to education [sic] our community, especially parents with young children, about the dangers of alien abduction. Though we also want them to see that some glorious things can come from alien abduction.

Jeremy: I think the dangers are pretty clear. What are the glorious things?

Dr. van Nostrand: There are stories of sexual satisfaction.

Jeremy: What do you think the relationship is between outer space-oriented science fiction films and alien abductions? I mean that in the chicken/egg sense: Is space sci-fi feeding the imagination of fantasy-prone people who then hallucinate what they've seen on the big screen, or is what's up on the screen sometimes reflective of actual experience?

Dr. van Nostrand: I don't understand your question. I have only met authentic alien abductees.

Jeremy: Name one. Or five; whichever is easiest.

Dr. van Nostrand: I was once abducted myself, but I do not discuss the details in public.

Jeremy: Did you watch my doc, No One's Watching: An Alien Abductee's Story?  If so, have you come across anything in your studies that explains the energy or entity -- the whatever it is -- that does yoga and martial arts through this body like a beneficial spiritual possession? (I'll give you ten bucks not to say, "Adult onset schizophrenia.")

Dr. van Nostrand:I have watched it. Personally, I don't think it's very good, and I have nothing more to say about it.

Jeremy: Better in a fight: zombie dogs or mutant janitors?

Dr. van Nostrand: Zombie Dogs.

Jeremy: What other theme programs will The Pioneer be running this year?

Dr. van Nostrand: They do a lot of things that I don't care about and think are stupid. However, the Pioneer does have the "Bizarro Mondays" program. Every Monday, usually at 7 p.m., the Pioneer screens some weird movie: often horror, science fiction, exploitation, genre, or some other strange thing.

On these Mondays, Fangoria and FearsMAG each present a horror show every month, and Clayton Patterson often shows oddities from his archive of Lower East Side video. Other things are spliced in there. This is an important program. Then of course there is October.

In October the Pioneer presents an entire month of horror movies. I am very involved in this, and it is one of the world's most important cultural events. We intend for the Science Fiction Springtime to grow to be that large, and that important. However, we are building slowly.

Jeremy: I'm falling asleep here. Could you repeat that?

Dr. van Nostrand remains uncomfortably silent.

Jeremy:  What do you do when you're not consulting the theater?

Dr. van Nostrand: I like to ride my pony.

Jeremy: Finally, are there any personal stories of the strange you'd like to share?

Dr. van Nostrand: Unexplained light shows illuminate the Pioneer Theater at night. Researchers continue to investigate both these light shows and the strange creatures that attend those light shows. Perhaps you will join the investigators. Perhaps you will join the creatures.

***

To purchase tickets or watch the trailer for No One’s watching: An Alien Abductee’s Story, please visit: www.valiens.com