Lo and behold, he arose from the dead ...

You tell me what’s more likely! Where did Crain meet his wife? He met her during his stint at Nevada’s Parole and Probation Department. He was a parole officer; she was a parolee. The significance of his employment at P&P cannot be overstated. Crain worked as a parole officer from Feb. 1988 until April of 1990. Crain’s current defenders say he earned his PhD in 1989 from SUNY Stonybrook. Of course, there are no records at the college that he ever attended. Crain defenders will allege this is because the government erased his records. Since I have been down the erased-records scenario before (Lazar comes to mind), this type of claim is not unfamiliar to me.

The problem for Danny is that he lived in Las Vegas during the entire period when he supposedly was earning a doctorate in New York. Perhaps SUNY offers PhDs through the mail, but I tend to doubt it. There is no question that he worked for the state during this period. I not only have his official state employment records and employee evaluations, I have spoken to his co-workers who confirm that he really was there. In July, 1989, after a year on the job, he managed to arrest a bank-robbery suspect, a brave deed that resulted in a commendation from his bosses and a mention in the local newspaper. He was here in Nevada during the entire time that he was supposedly working on his doctorate in New York. End of story.

After his stint with the state, he took as job as a security guard at the Sahara Hotel. Odd, don’t you think, for a guy with advanced degrees and a Q-clearance? Perhaps it was a sham job, a cover story to hide his “real” work? Not according to his employers and co-workers. I have his employment file from the hotel. I personally know the people who owned the hotel at the time. I spoke to security personnel. He was there from June 14, 1991 until July 27, 1993, when he was terminated. Maybe he was flown out to see J-Rod after he finished with guarding racks of quarters and nickels. And maybe not.

In case there is anyone who still believes this is a vast conspiracy as opposed to the egomaniacal fantasies of a troubled person, consider the following: Crain claims to be a biological whiz kid who turned down scholarships at the best universities in the world so that he could return to UNLV, a prestigious citadel of higher learning. He was a student at UNLV, but his major wasn’t biology. It was psychology. Crain defenders say he was driven out of his preferred subject by a single professor who was jealous of his work. I talked to the professor, and to Crain’s academic advisor, and to the chairman of the department. They all considered him to be an off-kilter showboater who craved attention.

He did get into a tiff with a professor. It happened when, as an undergraduate, he called a news conference at the university to announce that he had found a cure for cancer. The miracle cure turned out to be Clorox bleach. How would you react if you had been his professor?

And, to any diehard supporters who still think Crain/Burisch was railroaded by the school, where is the miracle cure? If he knows the secret potion, why not release it, make millions of bucks, and save countless lives? Maybe it was wiped out of his memory by J-Rod.

If Crain really was part of the most secretive, most important program in human history, he certainly didn’t follow any known protocols. In 1990, while he supposedly was the only human that the alien J-Rod would allow into the secret chamber, he was participating in numerous public events that teased the ET scenario, all of which promoted Dan Crain. A publicity release issued by his friend Joe Girouard invited the public to hear from this champion of the environment who “has been recognized nationally and internationally for his scientific research.” Nationally and internationally recognized, just a year after earning his bogus doctorate? Maybe I missed it. I’m sure his oppressive masters at Area 51 were pleased by his pursuit of media attention.

In 1993, Crain was represented by another p.r. operative named Marcia McDowell, aka B. J. Wolf. She was a relentless steamroller in her promotion of the book she wrote with Crain, modestly titled Eagles Disobey. The book was a ridiculous rehash about structures on Mars. Crain focused on borrowed photos of Martian dirt clods and proclaimed them to be the remnants of extravagant alien skyscrapers.

He’s supposed to be a serious scientist, but the book is called Eagles Disobey? So, let me guess, who’s the eagle? Ah, now I see. Crain is the eagle, and he dares to disobey. What courage. During his marital period, I received a handwritten (but obviously dictated) biography of the internationally known science juggernaut. It was signed by his loving wife Debbie. She sent me another letter on paper that prominently featured the very same amateurish snip-and-clip military insignia that graced several letters sent by supposedly anonymous sources.

Gee, do you think it really was Danny himself who sent all those random letters? Maybe he was trying to get the story out before something bad happened to him. Maybe all of the ridiculous lies and phony claims he made earlier were meant to throw me off the track, as his defenders now suggest. Or maybe they were just lies. What seems believable to you?

The evil secret government has been trying to silence Danny the Eagle since the very beginning. They’ve beaten him, his parents were told, drugged him, wiped out his identity and memory, tried to discredit his credentials (except for the hotel security-guard gig), and marked him for death. Oh, that’s right, he was dead for a while. What sad news that was! It was tough to choke back the tears. When I expressed my doubts about his unfortunate and mysterious demise, I was chided for my skepticism. And then: Lo and behold, he arose from the dead, Christ-like, and quickly found new converts to his ever-expanding knowledge of the universal truth. He now says he has witnessed the birth of humanity, knows the reason we are here, and is the one human who might save both us and the aliens. (J-Rod told him the aliens are facing genetic calamities. Boy, that’s a new one.)

the miracle cure turned out to be Clorox ...

My guess is that if the secret government really wanted to silence Dan Crain, or Dan Burisch, or Snoop Danny Dan, if that’s what he wants to call himself this week, they might have been able to do it. They could have bumped him off as he bravely patrolled the perilous corridor between the dollar slots and the Sahara buffet. They might have dispatched hired killers to pose as misdemeanor potheads while he toiled behind his desk at the parole office. Or maybe a femme fatale pretending to be a bleach saleswoman could have nailed him during his groundbreaking cancer-cure period at UNLV.

If he wanted to avoid the government assassins from Area 51, his recent, well-publicized appearance at the Little A‘Le’Inn, just down the road from the secret base, was a stroke of genius. They would never look for him there.

If any readers want to believe Dan Crain’s ridiculous fantasies, then go for it. I am not one to criticize someone else’s religious beliefs. Despite the tone and content of this article, I am reasonably certain that Danny will be delighted by the attention. He knows that a small portion of the UFO devout (especially those who miss the scriptures of Bill Cooper) will slavishly hang on his every word and disregard any contrary information. Books, movies, speaking engagements will follow. It took 14 years of total baloney, but at last, this biologist-psychologist-astronomer security guard has finally arrived. UFO

George Knapp is a six-time Emmy-award winning reporter in Las Vegas, currently employed as an investigative newsman with KLAS-TV. He’s best known in the UFO field for breaking the story about Bob Lazar, the scientist who alleged seeing and working on UFOs and other alien-related objects while employed at the secret S4 facility at Area 51.